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[16 Nov 2009|08:58pm] |
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i'm too depressed to function and i'm too broke to buy anything that will help me get out of my head. yep, it's that wanting-to-die time of year again.
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[05 Nov 2009|08:13am] |
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- thirty two
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[05 Oct 2009|01:44am] |
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i think i may be a really terrible person and it really scares me.
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[03 Oct 2009|04:33pm] |
it makes me really sad to think that I may not find a roommate amongst my friends to live with next year at Buffalo.
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[17 Sep 2009|10:33am] |
i joined UB's LGBTA, where my bff at school, max, is a member of the e-board. i've had some really great times with them so far, and needless to say, things are looking up, and it's still early in the year. as max puts it, this club includes some of UB's best partiers. (excellent!)
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[10 Sep 2009|08:18am] |
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- eighteen
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[02 Sep 2009|08:58pm] |
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i'm lonely at school. there
are people who go to
school here from home
who i thought i was on
friendly terms with, but
there is a disconnect.
i meet new people here
often, and i am surrounded
by thousands of people,
but it doesn't amount to
anything more than
passing acquaintances.
and jason - he isn't here.
i feel like i'm drowning.
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[15 Apr 2009|08:19pm] |
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college is lonely when you suck at making friends.
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[24 Feb 2009|10:50am] |
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i woke up today and felt like crying.
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[24 Jan 2009|11:46pm] |
This semester I'm no longer an architecture major. This means no more all-nighters every other night. Yes, I can sleep at last, but at a cost. What I did in studio I loved. I was passionate about it, but endless hours of work and sleep existing only as a luxury ate at my being. I am positive that by the end of my studio days I was heading towards a nervous breakdown. Anyway, I am somewhere in between majors now. I intend to be officially majoring in environmental design next semester, as well as minoring in architecture. The classes I'm taking now, the majority of which are pre-major planning classes. They are interesting to me but the passion isn't there. Maybe it will come back when I start environmental design studios (which I have been promised will allow me to sleep by my academic advisor).
Being in Buffalo is depressing. I frequently find myself fighting the urge to sleep winter away. I have one friend here, but he is a mediocre friend. He has a tendency to make me feel bad about myself. Beggars can't be choosers, so it's have a shitty friend or no friends at all. That's how I feel on a daily basis: lonely as fuck, and wanting a friend, and at the same time, wanting to be invisible, wanting to avoid the world.
My mom still hasn't found a job, and I am anticipating the worse. Having to move away, not being able to get money for school anymore, being forced to become a real adult a lot sooner than I had really hoped for are all possibilities.
It hit both Jason and I really hard for the first time how we're really far away from each other now. More than ever before. The distance from Buffalo to Geneseo is three times that from Monroe Community College to Geneseo, and twice that from Fairport to Geneseo. I miss him, but at the same time, I find myself irritated around him a lot. I'm pretty sure it's a result of how being around him sharpens the focus on how much of a shitty person I am.
So that's it. Wintertime is the hardest time of the year. The weather outside, the bitter fucking cold wind, the frozen ground, the leafless trees, the disgusting snow, and the perpetually gray sky leave me feeling dead inside.
On the bright side, Jason and I got tickets to see Animal Collective in Toronto in May. Also, I'm 21 now, so once a week I get wasted as hell and forget about my misery.
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[06 Dec 2008|09:45pm] |
i have been sleeping 16 hours a day as of late.
unprecedented social anxiety and self-loathing has rendered me incapable of making friends at college.
jason and i both feel cut off. all we have is each other but i don't think it's enough.
i think i'm going to be homeless in the near future.
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[21 Nov 2008|07:28pm] |
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my mom lost her job today.
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[10 Nov 2008|12:13am] |
+/-
- dropped architecture studio even though i was the best student
according to profs, ta, chair of school of architecture & planning
+ not going to kill self over architecture studio
- cried while talking to the chair of school of architecture &
planning over being the best student and dropping
- miss studio-mates
+ more time to not fail other classes
- feel like a loser for dropping
- drinking a lot
- broke
+ loving boyfriend
- physical distance between loving boyfriend and myself
- miss kitties
- miss friends
- broken zune
- really really want to fucking study abroad but am to poor
- lost jason's scarf
+ obama won
- essay due thursday
- seasonal affective disorder
+ meeting with counselor wednesday
- $9.00 library fine
- bad skin
- cold air
- boring life
- poor grammar/vocabulary
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| this week in the life of your crazy architecture student. |
[12 Sep 2008|03:40pm] |
last friday night i decided i was going out to party on south campus, where the frat scene is. i pregamed hardcore with a few of my floor/roommates consuming 7 shots of vodka in 45 minutes. then i rode the inter-campus bus to south. by the time i arrived at the main circle loop, i knew i was too drunk. without hesitation, i jumped off the bus and stuck a couple fingers down my throat. a few moments later, the police arrived. terrified, i tried to appear sober. after my floor-mate threw up both into the breathelizer and all over my arm, i was free to go and went back to ellicot on north.
this was last friday, and it is now the following saturday. i swear i hear fucking on the floor above me. sex is all around me. a few nights a go the entire floor could hear lound humping, yells, and somewhere in there a "i love it when you fuck my pussy!" one boy from studio told me he'd rather be fucking. another boy told me he needs a good lay soon. a boy in the studio across from me came into my room one night and removed his shirt. someone on my floor wants to buy porn and watch it with me. there have already been at least 6 studio hookups. one boy, the only whom which i can call a friend, has already had numerous hookups. he has confirmed, though, as a gay man it is easier to simply hook up. all af this horniness permeating the air has affected me negatively. i am perpetually on edge and cannot for the life of me stop having innaproprate thoughs about a certain someone.
and now about my living situation. about my roommates. kate is a spoiled condescending virginal sporty bitch. kacey is a pothead who is nice in an unintelligent kind of way. both of them have much easier majors than i do. vanessa, who kate and kacie probably preferred was their third roommate, is turing 21 in 10 days and is the same girl who threw up in the breathelizer and had to get her stomach pumped. john is also an architecture major and dislikes me or some unknown reason. chris, who lives with jon, i immediately assumed was gay. as it turns out he has a girlfriend and has cheated on her with 8 other girls in the past 2 months before school. he justifies his actions by saying "friends don't count as cheating." he put a sign that says "richmond (my building) is a smoke free environment above my bed upin which i wrote "go fuck yourself" and hung back on his door. verner, who lives with chris and john, is an aerospace engineering major, the only major considered to be harder than architecture, and claimed this evening that he " drank more tonight thanyou (he was talking to me) ever have in my life." mike is a quarter japanese redhead who i considered my closest friend last week but not so much anymore. i ask him if he wants to go out every weekend and he always blows me off.
i have been nice to all of these people and for some reason they choose to leave me out of the circle. this leaves me wonderering things like " is there something inherently wrong or flawed about my personality?" // "am i too paranoid?" // "do i have social anxiety?'' // "where do i sign up to get a single?"
now about architecture.
last week i had three all nighters. yes, they are painful but i am learning to adapt. for example, eating makes you sleepy. therefore, i do not eat more than a small snack at a time. also, too much coffee can cause a stomach ache. having a positive attitude will carry you through to the morning. when sleepiness takes hold, repeating the phrase " i am fully awake" to yourself will help you stay awake. always keep a good supply of ibuprofen on hand, because as i learned during my first all nighter, migraines make work so much harder. and of course, always fully charge your zune prior to studio.
my ta loves me. i recieved much praise from him on my first model. when we started drawing, i confessed i has never done technical drawings and he stayed after class with me for an hour and a half on two occasions. his girlfriend, another ta, sat in the corner, pissed, while he made silly jokes and helped bridge the gap in my understanding the new concept.
40 hours is a sincere underestimation of time spend outside of class in studio. for me, it's more like 50 to 60 hours a week. this in itself is a problem. i have lost time to sleep, eat, keep myself clean, keep my room clean, and in general, have a life. some of my studio mates call it "the architecture diet". i have actually gone up a beltloop and can dryer dry all my pants and fit in them. i suppose architecture has its perks.
my roommates tell me im crazy in a condescending tone. the truth is, no one can know how ridiculous architecture school truly is unless they go through it
i miss jason, my friends, my mom, and my kitties. i feel so isolated here, having no one who i can be totally honest with. there is little to look forward to except for sleep. reguardless, through endless hours of tedious work and ever present possibility of failure, i still strive to be the best.
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[23 Aug 2008|09:09pm] |
i am having second thoughts about my major. on a lighter note, here's a photo-post.  i live in the ellicott complex on north campus.  ellicott has also referred to as "lego land" by its residents.  there is a tunnel under the complex. this is where i catch the bus to south campus in the morning.  this is parker hall on south campus. my section's small cramped studio space in the basement is more like a sweatshop than a classroom.  this is my dorm space in my triple. i brought with me considerably less stuff than my roommates. that blank wall would look excellent if i could get a hold of this poster.     i heart my space.  i am tired and classes haven't even officially begun. |
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[08 Jul 2008|04:21am] |
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i feel like i am bullshitting through life.
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[01 Jul 2008|07:38am] |
i am ecstatic about going away to college and my dream major and campus life and new people etc, etc.
or
i am depressed, anticipating the worst knowing how competitive this major is and the fifty percent first year drop rate. and i also think, "is this too much to expect from myself? should i really commit to spending this much money on a dream?"
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[29 Apr 2008|08:55pm] |
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I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED TO THE SCHOOL OF ARCHITECTURE AND PLANNING AT THE UNIVERSITY AT BUFFALO FOR THE BACHELOR OF SCIENCE IN ARCHITECTURE PROGRAM!!!!
fuck yeah!
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[11 Mar 2008|02:35pm] |
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yesterday i joined facebook. i looked through all the pictures
of almost all of my graduating class at fairport high school.
as i was looking at their pictures and reading where each
of them went away to school i couldn't help but feel like
an insecure little girl. i felt like i hadn't moved on or
matured in any way. i'm always so afraid that
i'm fucking up that i feel incapable of mov-
ing on in my life. i mean, i've gone to
community college for two years
now and for what? i am
more lost now than
i was then.
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| COLLEGE COLLEGE COLLEGE |
[03 Mar 2008|12:03am] |
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I was accepted to both Buffalo State College and the University
at Buffalo (the university itself, I won't find out about Architecture
School acceptance for a month or two) which is great and
more than I expected of myself.
But now all I'm thinking how the fuck am I going to pay for it?
FUCK.
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